if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
