hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
