I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
