4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
