I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
