i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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