I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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