I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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