I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
