apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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