Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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