I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
