he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
