dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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