My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
