I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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