walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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