did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
