i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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