dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
