I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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