Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
