I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
