Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
