That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
