i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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