Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
