i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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