she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
