Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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