i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
