Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
