twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
