And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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