Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
