Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
