So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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