i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
