i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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