I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
