Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
