I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
