if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
