don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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