Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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