I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
