This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
