Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
