After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
