Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
