life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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